Things that don't cut the mustard: Red patterns on toilet paper.

It's scary enough when you just keep wiping and nothing's getting clean, until you feel scrunched toilet paper touching your ass cheeks, and you have to resort to doing a "not so deep" wipe, and tell yourself, "yeah, that'll do". Is the patterns on bog roll printed with blood-red ink. You get that sinking feeling of hereditary Haemorrhoids, until you realise it's part of the pattern. To which no man can understand why there's a pattern there in the first place. Next time you're at work with three long Friday afternoon minutes to go, just think that that three minutes worth of wage is going to the printing of red patterns on your dunny paper.
They could use that space for interesting facts and articles. I know they have Sudoku paper. How about free paper with ads on it? You know yourself when you're sick of Reader's Digest you'll re-read the speeches and warnings on cans of air freshener until you can recite it at a party during one of those weird conversations where you get to show your Propellant: Hydrocarbon knowledge.

Global Warming.

Just like bird flu, global warming is another media spun fad that'll pass soon enough. For one I welcome the change. Sure, if you live India or Indonesia, it's hot enough so you're probably against it. But here in Tassie it's only warm for three months of the year so a few degrees up would be a nice little present to take the edge off those cold mornings crouching over the heater, burning your shins and freezing your shoulders.
Also, people here in Australia are all worried about running out of water. Solution? Global warming! Get rid of those pesky ice caps and there's enough water for even the most lawn conscious home-owner.
I'm sure the fish will be happy too, more room for all of them. Except the Mexican walking fish, of course.


I have no idea why Ralph Wiggum and a Nazi Swastika/UN peace badge is on this picture.

Things that don't cut the mustard: Vegemite.

Vegemite tastes like a yeast infection seasoned with too much salt. Don't call me non-Australian 'cause I don't eat the black tar that might as well be the poo you scraped out of your bong.
I love Promite though. I'm too scared to try any of the wanna-be mites: Aussie-mite, Matey-mite, yeasty-mite.

Things that don't cut the mustard: CD covers and DVDs.

All the potential of man kind expressed in a CD cover isn't going to impress even the most bogan of aliens. I love CDs, good sound, easy to make and don't wear out. But they are stored in flimsy plastic covers that last as long as my first time. Open one up and the CD slips between the cover and the other bit and you crease your CD, the clampy ring thing in the middle always half snaps off and falls out like m&ms falling out of a packet that's been opened too much. Come on engineers, try your shit before you send it to the mass-market factory. But worse than that is the warnings at the beginning of DVDs they make you sit through. We all know the copyright laws. CDs don't have them but the same rules apply. Don't get me started on regional coding too. I don't like being bossed around by a machine. They used to be made to serve us, now we are forced to wait while they are "loading..." Or an arrogant little circle with a cross through it when you want to skip something (I can sometimes hear a slightly lisping little voice coming from Sony DVD saying: "No! You can't do that here, you'll just have to be patient and wait, you big jessy". CD players in the 90s didn't boss us around. And it doesn't stop with CD and DVD players. My washing machine doesn't let me open the door for three minutes after it's finished its cycle. I can't figure out why, someone please tell me. Now I have a washing machine with a broken door handle. Not even the most softy, OH&S-y, pinko reason I can think of is enough to justify it.

Things I Like: Chickens

Chickens are my third favourite animal. After Dogs and some people.
There's a complex social order and after a minute watching them with your morning coffee they forget you're there and start acting like chickens.
They still look a bit awkward not having arms, but they make up for it by bobbing their head forward and backward. They remind me of dinosaurs. Mainly a Brontosaurus. Thin at one end, much, much fatter in the middle, then thin again at the other end.